I lost a heart for training. There was some kind of aspiration but it's gone like a dream. I feel urgency but it's not that fresh inspiration more like tax office naging. I can see the problem comes from deep dissapointment. And deep 'I suck' carved in my heart. I'm demandig toward myself but there is no energy that follows this demands. No spark. No joy. No aspiration. How to awoke them back to life?

Hakuin Zenji at age 19 finally receive the consent of his parents to become ordained. He entered training full heartedly. Yet he heard the story about zen master Ganto having his head cut off by thieves, and thus not being able to teach others. Great doubts arose. So even someone who is enlightened is not able to save others? He lost his fire for trainig. Hakuin read the words of Zankan Sakushin who talked about Jimyo Osho´s training with an owl above his thigh so that if he were to get tired, this owl would hurt him and he would wake up again.

Hakuin reading this was again inspired, his fire for training returned, he experienced awakening at age 24 and it was said that he was a zen master with such a deep awakening who only comes forth every 500 years. This is how it can work if your doubts are intellectual.

Yet if your doubts come from an emotional ego, then these self satisfied doubts are difficult to cure. These personal doubts can only be solved by oneself. Even if the Buddha were to appear, someone who is holding onto their ego will not be liberated.

Masaoka Shiki said: “I always thought that zen is about how to die in every moment. Now I can see that Zen is about how to survive every moment.”

There are the words of someone who got through physical suffering. In this way problems of the intellect and the body for sure will become resolved.