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True zazen is continued clear mind moments in everything we do...
Harada Roshi

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I have a strange problem. After I finished Shurangama sutra strange things have been happening to me.First of all I watch life like a movie, people are moving, doing their things but I don't present at this activity. This is a completely apathetic feeling. Unlike the serene, calm and joyful feeling that I should have. I don't feel anything to people at all, like they don't exist. I cant express my love to women I can't express my love to children like I don't have love and compassion anymore. If someone falls on the street I simply would move away and wouldn't even ask about his health. I don't have much time and do zazen only 30 minutes per day at best but it doesn't help. Worst of all is that my mind blocks my joy of things accomplishments and also blocks my negative emotions, it replaces them with apathy. Not sure but this might be the infamous chan disease. Or may be just my work is so hard and pushing on me that my mind develops such defensive mechanisms.

You cannot read the sutras trying to understand them. The Buddha would teach to listen while in samadhi. Samadhi cannot be taught. We need to let go of thoughts to enter samadhi. You were not reading the sutras, not understanding the sutras point, but being moved around by your own ideas. You cannot read the sutras in a mistaken way.

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